13 April 2010

darkness has settled.

When my life is like a storm,
Rising waters, all I want is the shore.
You say, I’ll be okay and make it through the rain.
You are my shelter from the storm.

I know many that have endured unimaginable storms in life with grace and strength. I don’t have that strength, I feel easily broken and I’m ashamed of this weakness.

Easter is a reminder of loss to me. Starting with the phone call in the middle of the night before Easter and then the entire timeline of uncertainty, hope, grief, and anger plays out again for our family. Just like yesterday, I know what I felt each day, I remember the doctor’s face, I remember the kind nurses’ words, I remember what we were wearing, what we talked about when we weren’t sitting in that hospital room, I remember watching the monitors in her room as they alarmed and then slowed until they were turned off, I still feel the disbelief, and most painful, my children’s pain at hearing that their Grandmother was gone.

Now, a week after that memory haunted me, we had to put our dog to sleep. Is it normal to feel the loss of a pet as the loss of a family member? His unconditional love and trusting eyes as we told him good bye has torn open my heart.

Darkness has settled over me like a storm.

God, bring the rain. Let it pour over me and wash this all away.