15 April 2010

skies are clearing.

I would be lying if I didn’t tell you how badly my fingers itched to delete my last post.

I forced myself to leave it alone and reflect on it. I thought about why I started blogging: to keep in touch with family, as my creative outlet, as my own personal “soapbox”, and most important to journal my day to day life.

I can’t deny what is true and real. I may be embarrassed at how dramatic I was, but that was an honest open look at the sorrow in my soul that day. It certainly didn’t help that a particularly bad patch in my life coincided with a “hormonally unstable” time of the month resulting in a perfect storm of depression.

We all have our flaws.

Some may have a crazy mole that sprouts occasional hairs on their chin that they keep emergency tweezers with them for this said hair. Or, the occasional depression that rolls in faster than a spring storm.

Thankfully, I have a sweet sister that calls me up and says, “Where are those emergency tweezers (or “happy pills”), babe you need some help.”

I will be leaving that last post right where it is, just in case someone needs it.

I hope that if someone reads it they will see that other people are like them and find comfort in it. Or even, “Wow, that girl is much more unstable than me. I think everything is going to be okay.”

It’s alright to not be perfect all the time, the point is to recognize your weaknesses and know how and where to seek help for them. The people that matter will still be there when you get back up and dust yourself off.

Thank you family and friends that offered prayer and kind words, I know the strength and peace in my soul is because of you. I feel loved, stupid chin mole and all.

13 April 2010

darkness has settled.

When my life is like a storm,
Rising waters, all I want is the shore.
You say, I’ll be okay and make it through the rain.
You are my shelter from the storm.

I know many that have endured unimaginable storms in life with grace and strength. I don’t have that strength, I feel easily broken and I’m ashamed of this weakness.

Easter is a reminder of loss to me. Starting with the phone call in the middle of the night before Easter and then the entire timeline of uncertainty, hope, grief, and anger plays out again for our family. Just like yesterday, I know what I felt each day, I remember the doctor’s face, I remember the kind nurses’ words, I remember what we were wearing, what we talked about when we weren’t sitting in that hospital room, I remember watching the monitors in her room as they alarmed and then slowed until they were turned off, I still feel the disbelief, and most painful, my children’s pain at hearing that their Grandmother was gone.

Now, a week after that memory haunted me, we had to put our dog to sleep. Is it normal to feel the loss of a pet as the loss of a family member? His unconditional love and trusting eyes as we told him good bye has torn open my heart.

Darkness has settled over me like a storm.

God, bring the rain. Let it pour over me and wash this all away.

08 April 2010

what happened to march?

Whoops! I was surprised to see that I had only 1 blog post for the month of March. I even had the nerve to fuss at my cousin about blogging more often (Sorry Libby!) while I had completely neglected my blog.

The last month has been crazy busy with all members of my family running in different directions.

Baseball season is upon us again! Thankfully the weather has cooperated and Trevor and Peyton have been able to get a lot of practices in already. Peyton is playing on two teams again this year; one is with the little league and the other plays on Sundays and an occasional weekend tournament. Some of my closest friends are also “Baseball Moms” and I can’t wait to sit in the sun and catch up with all of them.

Addi has been rehearsing for the school’s production of High School Musical (junior). She is very excited and has practiced singing all the songs over and over and over again. I am so glad for her, but I don’t know if I can sit through another production of High School Musical without bleeding from the ears. I suppose I deserve the punishment because when I was 8 I knew every word to the Annie musical (including dialog) and my parents never knew when I would break into Tomorrow (Broadway style, of course: belted out with arms spread wide, just like Annie would have sung it to Roosevelt.). Addi is also gearing up for her dance recital next month, she happens to be doing a tap routine to You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile, for those of you that aren’t up on your Annie trivia that song is from Annie. You gotta love karma.

I spoiled myself this month. When looking back at my calendar I noticed that at least once a week I had a girl’s night out. The first weekend, I took a trip back to visit my parents and had a night out with my two best friends from high school. We had so much fun reminiscing and laughing that I think we scared off an older couple that happened to be seated near us. Week two I had a “baseball moms” night out, if I remember correctly I monopolized the majority of our conversation by whining about work issues (it was a long hard month). Week three was a pitcher margarita night with my good friend Rachael, we were going to go to a movie but the bottom of that pitcher was really strong, so we just sat and talked.

Week four I had my new book club meeting. It was so grown up {wink}, I loved it. I served potato soup and salad and then we had our group discussion about our book (Water for Elephants). During dessert we had a group vote on our next book (Sarah’s Key) and then discussed all the other good books we had read lately. We decided that we need to start a list of suggested reading because we had each read so many good books lately. I feel so lucky to have found this group of ladies that offer their very thought provoking perspectives. My brain was humming with their thoughts all throughout the week.

I have also been hard at work training for the Mini-Marathon (Indianapolis’ half marathon) I have a great training schedule that has slowly worked me up to 8 miles. On Tuesday and Thursday I do 2-3 miles and then on Saturday I have a longer distance to complete. I added in a cross training class that I go to on Saturday mornings that is a lot of fun! Although, I did have an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction involving my sports bra, thankfully the guy behind me that got an eyeful hasn’t been back to class {blushing}. At the suggestion of my good friend, I am now wearing double layers of sports bras!!!

There you have it, that’s my entire month in a nutshell… I am going to try to push myself to try to put out one blog each week this month. {fingers crossed} We’ll see!